Room to Forgive
Somewhere along the line, I learned that the universe has a few basic rules to it. One of the most important ones is that for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Must’ve been a newly-married guy who came up with that one, because it’s one of the most important lessons I have learned in my marriage so far.
This weekend we were out of town for the MEAC Basketball Tournament in Raleigh, NC. For reasons that mostly revolved around the usual suspects of miscommunication and inconsideration, my beautiful bride and I got into an argument. A big one.
Now I have to admit, there aren’t too many things I’m afraid of in life. But I know that two of the things I am afraid of are failure and loneliness, things that don’t seem too far off when you are into a deep argument with your soul mate. In this fear, as I have regrettably done in the past, I tried to establish some type of lame control by using a term that should never come up in any marriage unless you are watching the “Maury” show. Divorce. My intention was never to say that I wanted one or needed one, just to say that people who aren’t willing to communicate often get them. Still, it shouldn’t have been said, and I’ve been regretting it ever since.
Naturally, I want to be forgiven for what I know was one of the worst mistakes I could ever make as a married man. Miraculously, my wife did forgive me. But it’s clear that the forgiving and forgetting don’t quite go together like the T.V. shows make it out to be. I know hurt her deeply, and I’m learning that just as we are prone to make mistakes, we are also prone to be cut deeper than we would like to be. Naturally, I want to be forgiven and for us to keep rolling like we usually do. Unnaturally, it seems that I’m trying to set the terms for the rolling, which is something that should be left totally up to her.
This isn’t the first time I’ve done something stupid like allude to wanting out of our precious relationship. What can I say? I become afraid when I mess up, and since I’m a macho black man, that comes out as anger and pride. I wish that I could undo everything and make her see that I would never want to leave her, and that I’m trying to learn a better way to communicate that to her when we are upset with each other. That I know. What I didn’t know is that my wife is not bulletproof, and that she deserves the right to be sensitive. Even if that means I need to walk around hurting for a while until she is not.
Now, usually this would be a post just to communicate to her and the world how truly sorry I am. But it’s not just that. This is a warning to all of you husbands, soon-to-be-husbands, and thinking about being husbands. If you are thinking about joining with somebody for the rest of your life, understand that her life is the single most important thing you can have. Don’t let your fears or emotions get on top of you enough to casually think otherwise. I can’t live without my wife, even if that means I have to live with her minus her smile, her laughter, and the outward expression of her love, for however long it takes.