60 Days to Heaven

There are going to be ups and downs in every marriage. Where most people go wrong is when they do not accept this basic fact of life, and assume that their spouse is always going to be the perfect emotional, physical and social partner they could ever hope for. It’s just impossible.

But one thing you can avoid is fighting the battles of other people. My wife and I learned the hard and not-so-hard way of recognizing what problems we had that were personal to our interaction, and what problems did we generally have with society, with our parents, and with our friends.

All people look back on the mistakes of their parents and make a solemn vow that they will never EVER be like them. And that is an honorable vow to take. But with that vow, much like your marriage vows, there must be an understanding of who you really are. And your parents are hard wiring you from the day you are conceived.

Every perspective you have, every character trait, every process you have is a direct result of their influence. So whether you agree or disagree with the way they managed a relationship or the lack of one, you have inherited their drama. The hardest thing in the world is to recognize mom or dad as their own individual, capable of making their own decisions without your input or support. You’re married now. Time for you to end the circle of drama before your kids inherit the bad wiring.

Same thing goes for friends. You are the sounding board for their sorrows, which can often times lead you to analyze your own spouse’s shortcomings. Your friend has a cheating husband? Don’t be surprised if you start noticing when your husband calls and doesn’t call. Your friend’s wife is a nag? Don’t be surprised when you get extra annoyed when your wife has a complaint about something.

Even if you have a completely healthy relationship, these outside factors can color the way you see your spouse. The trick is to be fully engaged in your relationship, and to not bring your bond to trouble. Their square pegs of drama don’t have to fit into your round hole of satisfaction; don’t try and make them.

Some people walk around believing that life isn’t quite right unless something is going wrong. I used to be one of those people. But my marriage has created a new perspective on happiness, a perspective that affords me the luxury of picking and choosing what is a problem to me and what is not going to impact my relationship with the woman I love. It’s not all good and its not all bad in life, but your biggest task is making sure that it’s all yours and not someone else’s baggage you are carrying around.

This entry was posted Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 5:02 pm and is filed under Communication, Family. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.