What You Want vs. What You Need in a Marriage
This can be the toughest determination anyone has to make in a marriage. Trying to figure out what you want vs. what you need.
Most people go into marriage thinking that life will render them everything they could possibly want. That there will never be anything that they will ever need for again.
In some ways, that’s true. In my close-to-two-years of marriage, I can firmly attest that I’ve never felt deserted by God or have felt lonely. I’ve never been hungry or cold and unable to remedy the situation, and I’ve never been financially bankrupt.
In life, that pretty much wraps up your basic needs. Everything else, you likely can put into the want category. And if there’s something you’re looking for in the want category, chances are that you should be up for some negotiating.
A lot of people go into the partnership of marriage believing that the things they really want suddenly and magically turn into needs. As a single person, your sexual tastes and desires, your personal goals for health and profession, and your individual social outlets were all predicated on one thing; who was around to support you while you were fulfilling these objectives. If nobody was around, then they could be put on the back burner for another time.
But now that you’re married, your life has become as a shared canvas. It’s a work of art that you started on, picked the colors out, selected brushes and scheduled painting time – only for an equally-talented artist to come and have sway over your masterpiece. Sometimes this is welcome, sometimes its despised.
But the truth is, you need the influence moreso than you want it.
Take the same perspective on various life decisions you face. You may have something you really want to do, and your gut may tell you that you need to do it to be fulfilled as a person. But do you really feel that you need it, or do you just really want it? Has your goal become something you need, because you are now required to gain insight and agreement from your spouse on the matter?
Do you really need to start that business now? Take that trip? Buy that item? And when you are asked the same question, do you genuinely want to compromise with your spouse?
What we all need is to have wide-ranging insight on the decisions we make for ourselves, and consequently, our families. What we all want is for that process to be easy. Individually, it never works out that way. But the strong couples are the ones who build up the needs on a regular basis, so that the wants are simple choices that both people can agree with.
