Managing Marital Moments
A lot of people look at a marriage and consider it to be one continuous episode of ego management and partnership. Not so. I’m starting to realize that marriage is little more than a series of moments shared by two people, charged with negotiating their intelligence and emotions to make those moments meaningful for each other.
Every conversation, every romantic memory, every fight; they were all moments that verified feelings you always had. On the positive side, they confirmed your love and respect for your spouse. On the negative side, they confirmed that no matter what you do, your partners flaws will never change.
And that’s where the mistake is made on both ends. On the positive side, if you look at doing things that make your partner happy, you can easily fall into the rut of never seeking out what could make them happier. Dating is a series of attempts to make someone more happy, more relaxed, more trusting of you. Why stop that in a marriage? Just because of shared expenses and a regular work and social schedule?
On the negative side, you have to let go of thinking that your spouse is chronically anything. If you are willing to talk it out respectfully, share your emotions with a logical reasoning and understand each other, you’ll find the big secrets that would dramatically reduce divorces all over the world:
Nobody hurts their spouses feelings on purpose.
Even when you are furious with your spouse, if you truly love them, you don’t wish them ill or harm of any kind. You just want them to understand you, and to communicate that they understand. The first step to making it happen is realizing that every moment – positive or negative – is just that. One singular moment in your life. One scenario that leaves a lasting impression; if you repeat the scenario over and over again.
That’s why you always have to be concerned with creating new moments. Manufacture new definitions of who you are, what you like, and how much you love your spouse. Today it may be a surprise by cooking dinner. Tomorrow it may be asking them what their meaning of life is. The next day it may be asking them to come with you on those errands to the grocery store or Home Depot.
If you aren’t having such great times, the new moment may be simply saying, “I understand you. I wish I had earlier, and I’m sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want to understand you. But I want to, and I know that I can.”
Marriage isn’t one long book. It’s a collection of short stories that in the long run, make for a beautiful anthology of commitment and friendship.
