Marriage and Successful Black Women…A Discussion on Settling
Here’s a piece from MSNBC on the disparity of high achieving black women getting married versus their white counterparts. There are a number of angles from which you can approach this topic, but I’d prefer to take it from the one that is most apparent in my marriage to a high-achieving black woman.
The question of settling.
My wife is a psychologist. A doctor in a scientific field that requires years of study, thousands of hours of research, and innumerable personal sacrifices. There are millions of women, black and otherwise, out there like this, and if my wife could be used as a sample size, they all are interested in having the great job, great husband and well-structured family life.
The problem is that success and motivation breed a very low tolerance for foolishness. Even after two years, I’m still learning ways to negotiate my wife’s expectations in the knowledge of my own flaws (i.e., household chores and having an attention span longer than 45 seconds). All in an effort to reduce stress and confusion.
It’s not that she’s unwilling to be patient or understanding, it’s that she has her stuff together and expects the same thing from her man. She doesn’t expect me to be exactly like her, but with the few times I’m charged with doing some housework and listening intently, she expects those few times to be mastered and cherished. And for all that she does, they should be.
With some professionally successful women, so much of their time and talent has been dedicated to analytical assessment. They receive education and training and are measured on their ability to process information and make decisions on the likelihood of success. So when they encounter a guy that has some good qualities and some bad qualities, the unpredictable nature of relationships may render their assessment much more compact and quick than the average gal.
In other words, dude is either worth the trouble or he’s not. And if he proves not to be, he’s out the door sooner than later.
On the other hand, some women choose to settle for the better parts of a guy and ignore the destructive parts. The thing that made my wife so great in the early stages of our relationship, is that she identified the destructive parts of my personality, told me flat out that they weren’t going to work for her, but assured me that I was worth the wait if I committed to fixing the issues.
Some women find themselves in spots where destructive behavior is tolerable as long as they aren’t in physical danger.
Successful women need to learn that a man can’t be gauged analytically. Most of us men are so screwed up that we don’t know how to assess our own faults and frailties’ forget being able to allow someone to do it for us. The key is to determine if the man has a solid enough foundation for trust, and enough self-worth to commit to improvement.
If you are lucky enough to find those two things, you’ve got yourself a winner; no matter his annual income, and no matter how long it takes for him to learn to love the right way.
I can only imagine how tough it is for a woman to find a guy who wants commitment, is not intimidated by success, and is willing to address his personal issues. The search process seems to be so intricate, that it can seem easier just to give up.
But there is truth in the adage that nothing worth having comes easy, and you should be willing to look hard for a man that will be willing to love you and your family in the way you most deserve.
