The Tools to Make or Break a Marriage
Everybody in this world has tools. We have tools to heal, and tools to destroy. The reason why they call marriage “work” is because from the moment you decide to make someone your spouse, you are using these tools to your benefit, or to your detriment.
In other words, you are a master craftsman at your relationship. And everyday, you should think of yourself as such.
Think about how your words, your body language, your actions and your reactions help or harm your marriage. And consider what situations prompt you to pull out specific tools. Do you yell when you are upset? Are you dismissive when you feel unheard?
Do you angrily disclose your feelings? Are you passively-aggressive in saying things are okay when they aren’t?
Every interaction calls for a specific tool to be used. You wouldn’t take a hammer to a screw, and you would take a wrench to drill a hole. You have to be considerate of what scenarios call for what response, and sometimes, you have to use these tools correctly even when your partner is using theirs incorrectly.
If your spouse is a yeller, consider talking matching their bluster with calm and serenity. You’d be surprise how you can diffuse a loud situation with a calm expression and soft words of understanding and comfort. Ex. – “Baby, I’m sorry that you’re upset like this, and I hate to see you upset like this. Let me know what I’m missing in this conversation that you want me to get, and I know you’ll do the same for me. I know we care enough to start over and do this thing right for each other.”
If your partner likes to be passive-aggressive (which I tend to be), throw the curveball at them (which my wife has mastered to break me out of passive-aggressiveness). Ex. – “Honey, it looks like you need some time to chill and really help me understand what you’re thinking and feeling. And I’m glad that you want me to have the best of you, even when we disagree. I’d like to finish talking this out with you, but if you need some space, I’ll be here.”
The difficulty in this is when people don’t want to come across as docile or submissive, but the truth is that you have more power in negotiating than fighting. You can use a huge screwdriver for a small screw and take forever, or you can reach for the smaller tool, and get the job done faster.
To be a master craftsman at marriage, you have to learn the tools that you have, and practice using them appropriately. We all have our strategies to achieve what we want from our spouses; some good and some bad. But if you learn how your actions and reaction influence your spouse, and commit to being a better relationship builder, you can start a dream house of a partnership from this moment on.
