Managing Problems Between Your Spouse and Your Family
Notice I didn’t say ‘fix,’ because you’ll never fix issues between your spouse and your family. There are certain ownership characteristics that both sides have that are unlikely be resolved in full, and as the man or woman in the middle, you have to accept it.
Your parents, your siblings, and everyone else that comprises your family outside of your home have a vested interest in your happiness and well-being, and thereby, their own. They want ownership in your decision making and actions because it is fulfilling to know that what they say, matters.
If your spouse doesn’t like it? Oh well.
Conversely, your spouse is your other half. It’s not a vested interest, it’s a requirement that their opinion be heard and utilized in most cases. This is the person with whom you sleep, share intimacy, expenses and dreams with.
If your family doesn’t like it…Wait, your family is in the picture?
So how do you manage when the two entities clash over what’s best for you? The natural instinct is to avoid it, because the options of final resolution for both sides render irreversible results. You can’t stop being a blood relative, but you can miss out on holidays, birthdays and other celebrations.
And you can’t easily stop being a spouse, because divorce leaves an indelible mark on your spirit.
So the management comes in knowing when to bring the two sides together and on what terms. The structure can’t be “ya’ll shouldn’t be fighting,” or, “you know better than this.” Emotions don’t know better, and when people try to attach logic to emotion, emotions will K.O. common sense 9 out of 10 fights.
Knowing this, you have to appeal to broader themes of family unity. Visiting, child rearing, big events, you have to present both sides with the importance of certain situations in your life, and hope that they can exchange cordial interaction for pride, jealousy, or insecurity.
Example: if family and spouse can’t sit together in church for any reason, it’s a lost cause to bring the two together. If your child has big events that family and spouse can’t attend collectively, it’s hopeless.
If spirituality and achievement aren’t enough to unite family, it’s just a harsh reality you have to accept. And if that’s the case, it simply becomes a matter of resolving your dissatisfaction and scheduling healthy quality time.
But keep in mind, if the rift between family and spouse is so deep that long-range disputes stay as fresh as they were when they began, you have every right to question if their love for you is as great as their disdain for the other person or persons.
Love always forgives and forgets. Sadly, it’s your job to maintain until that balance can come into focus for both sides.
