Never take marriage advice.

People who offer advice mean well; we all assume that we’ve been through enough trial and error to impart some wisdom on some less-knowing person in a like circumstance. The problem is that no one ever discloses all of the things that didn’t work for their circumstance. Not failures, mind you; but 10,000 ways that don’t work.

A smart thing to do is to ask about best practices. Habits. Nuances that make life easier for married people. No one has a universal answer; it’s like trying to offer a bride a wedding dress that is commonly worn; it ain’t gonna happen. Never take advice. Instead, try to receive the lighter and more soluble characteristics of successful marriages.

Or at least, those marriages that are successful on the outside.

The good news is that we recognize the culprit behind the broken communication – mostly, a lack of sleep and a deep commitment to providing good care for our baby. We’ve talked several times about what we feel, what we mean when words are getting in the way, and how we want to better moderate our communication.

The bad part? It’s difficult to create a formula to execute this. When you don’t sleep for more than three hours a night, you can’t pinpoint the moment when you’re going to go off. The best you can do is to monitor your reactions, and to suspend your sensitivities in favor of maintaining good ties.

But there are some do’s and don’ts that we have found make this a little easier.

Do – Remember its about the baby, not about you.

Don’t – Walk away frustrated. Both parents have to be on the same accord, particularly to figure out things about the baby that aren’t easily communicated by cries.

Do – Carve out time when the baby is sleeping to have normal conversation about anything other than the baby.

Don’t – Allow the baby to come between you and your spouse; i.e., sleeping in a different room or chair, eating meals separately.

Do – Remember why you wanted to have a baby, and the joy you felt when he or she arrived.

Don’t – Let the struggles of this child influence your decision on whether to have another one.

Some of these are lessons we’ve learned, but most of them are good advice we’ve picked up from friends and family. But if you use them, you’ll be on your way to balancing communication while  discovering your new role as a father or mother.

The question of settling.

My wife is a psychologist. A doctor in a scientific field that requires years of study, thousands of hours of research, and innumerable personal sacrifices. There are millions of women, black and otherwise, out there like this, and if my wife could be used as a sample size, they all are interested in having the great job, great husband and well-structured family life.

The problem is that success and motivation breed a very low tolerance for foolishness. Even after two years, I’m still learning ways to negotiate my wife’s expectations in the knowledge of my own flaws (i.e., household chores and having an attention span longer than 45 seconds). All in an effort to reduce stress and confusion.

It’s not that she’s unwilling to be patient or understanding, it’s that she has her stuff together and expects the same thing from her man. She doesn’t expect me to be exactly like her, but with the few times I’m charged with doing some housework and listening intently, she expects those few times to be mastered and cherished. And for all that she does, they should be.

With some professionally successful women, so much of their time and talent has been dedicated to analytical assessment. They receive education and training and are measured on their ability to process information and make decisions on the likelihood of success. So when they encounter a guy that has some good qualities and some bad qualities, the unpredictable nature of relationships may render their assessment much more compact and quick than the average gal.

In other words, dude is either worth the trouble or he’s not. And if he proves not to be, he’s out the door sooner than later.

On the other hand, some women choose to settle for the better parts of a guy and ignore the destructive parts. The thing that made my wife so great in the early stages of our relationship, is that she identified the destructive parts of my personality, told me flat out that they weren’t going to work for her, but assured me that I was worth the wait if I committed to fixing the issues.

Some women find themselves in spots where destructive behavior is tolerable as long as they aren’t in physical danger.

Successful women need to learn that a man can’t be gauged analytically. Most of us men are so screwed up that we don’t know how to assess our own faults and frailties’ forget being able to allow someone to do it for us. The key is to determine if the man has a solid enough foundation for trust, and enough self-worth to commit to improvement.

If you are lucky enough to find those two things, you’ve got yourself a winner; no matter his annual income, and no matter how long it takes for him to learn to love the right way.

I can only imagine how tough it is for a woman to find a guy who wants commitment, is not intimidated by success, and is willing to address his personal issues. The search process seems to be so intricate, that it can seem easier just to give up.

But there is truth in the adage that nothing worth having comes easy, and you should be willing to look hard for a man that will be willing to love you and your family in the way you most deserve.

But seriously, if you’ve never considered blogging as a way to improve your skills as a spouse or as a parent, I can tell you from the former that it’s a great way to get introspective about your life and your purpose. Nothing is more therapeutic or provocative for introspection as writing.

And when other people enjoy it or are helped by it, they let you know.

Try it sometime. Jot your feelings down, hit spell check, and put it out in the universe. You can’t get it wrong. It’s just your opinion.

Two successful people, nothing to worry about financially. Still, they are going through the same drama and mismanaged expectations that most folks go through. Very interesting read, and a call for folks to stop pretending like counseling and other outside programs can’t help.

Like my father, I have no problem initiating random conversations with random people in random places. These moments usually render some of the soundest, wisest statements I’ve ever heard, and I’ve long believed that God humors himself/herself by operating in the realm of random. On this particular day, I think I was standing in a long line at the local grocery store, when I happened to start a conversation with an old white guy behind me.

I cracked a joke about the food I was carrying in my small basket, saying that I would be cooking for my wife. He laughed and said that was a lesson he wished he’d learned 20 years prior. We began to exchange the pleasantries of how long we had been married, and how much we enjoyed it.

And then he dropped the pearls on me.

“You know, forgiveness is the best thing you can ever give and receive in a marriage. Mistakes are going to happen, but if you believe that your wife does things on purpose, you made the wrong choice in a wife.”

Since then, I’ve always carried the philosophy that people I love never do things on purpose; the moment can sometimes drive them into a poor decision or an emotional reaction, but no one sets out to hurt the people they love. If you remember that, and your spouse can remember that, you’ve probably happened upon the key to true happiness in a marriage.

And you didn’t have to go to the grocery store to find it.

It takes an extreme amount of arrogance. What else can it be when you can fully commit your life to monogamy, changes in lifestyle, and a total submersion of your feelings into someone else’s actions?

Knowing that, you’ll never know for sure if you are that stuck on yourself to be married. However, there are five signs that you are close to being that self-centered.

5. Pursuing other people just isn’t as interesting – Subconsciously, we are hard wired to find the best person to procreate with. The benefit of being human is that we also look for other trivialities such as sharing the same beliefs on religion, food, politics and sports. If you are with somebody and your physical and emotional beings feel settled, you may be onto something.

4. You like being bored - Being with one person means that, eventually, you will exhaust many of the fun places and things you did when you were courting. That’s going to lead to nights at home, where its just you and the other person, and the prospect of meaningful conversation. If that’s okay with you, wedding bells may be chiming.

3. You live your life for someone else – If you find yourself constantly thinking about the ways you can make someone else happier or more comfortable, chances are, you want to marry that person. Choices in career, social interaction and lifestyle all become tied up in what your significant other thinks, and it becomes okay with you.

2. Many things begin to lose importance - The opinions of your friends, family and co-workers begin to mean less and less. The things you liked to do with your spare time that don’t involve him or her are far less intriguing.

1. You start telling yourself that you don’t want to be married -Telling yourself all of the reasons that you aren’t ready to be married  is the surest sign that you are. No one looks at themselves in the mirror and says, “You jealous bastard,” or “You selfish wench.” You are exactly all of the things that you hear that you are, but that you aren’t. If you are telling yourself that marriage isn’t for you because of your deficiencies, it’s probably a good sign that you want to change those flaws for someone special.

Being a better person for another person to enjoy. That’s the key to knowing you’re ready to jump the broom.

Here’s the pastor breaking down how to make marriage work. It’s worth the few minutes to watch it.

And nobody wants that.

Think of your life as two distinct personalities. There is a personality that your profession and hustle requires you to be. This personality is important; it requires ingenuity and drive. You use this personality to make money, improve networking, and build opportunities.

Then think about the other personality your life demands, the family personality. Your spouse, your children, your friends need this personality to be understanding and compassionate. They need this personality to be emotionally present, and energetic enough to provide feedback and validation, in the biggest and smallest of life’s occurrences.

You can’t allow the working side of you to drain the side of you that your family relies upon. You can have all of the money and resources in the world, but what benefit would it bring if your family can’t stand to be around you?

One of the smartest things you can do is to know what both sides require of you, and to leave their respective tasks where they belong. You can’t be a good provider if you take family drama into the office or on the work site? Conversely, you can’t deny your home the energy and model of love and compassion if you invest all of your energy outside of the four walls of your house.

It’s not just this way for kids, but for marriages, too. It’s important to talk, to laugh, to share and to listen. There are two of you to go around, just make sure they stay in their respective places.

Before we became engaged, my wife and I discovered something earth shattering about ourselves. As much as we despised to admit it, we were both pridefully stubborn when it came to having a point and a monologue to go along with it. It wasn’t until we learned the value of concession that we learned to manufacture peace in our home and relationship.

These days, we are much better brokers of attitudes and reactions. By nature, I am sensitve and she is curt; we are learning more and more that both sides of the equation are not purposeful, and that we can teach each other to be better spouses and people with our differing perspectives on things.

My wife has made me more assertive and self-confident. I have made her more patient and tolerant. There was a time where both of us were neither of these things, and it grated on our relationship. But we took the step of admitting our shortcomings to ourselves, and then to each other. Then we set about the long road of learning how to manage each other, without losing our own identities in the process.

This is how you negotiate peace in your relationship. You are never going to get everything that you want, or even most of it. The trick is to find contentment in the things that come natural, and the things you can negotiate amicably. There is no joy in being right or wrong all of the time, or in harboring resentment because you conceded a point or an issue you felt strongly about. There is always a way piece of mind to be found in every dispute, and there is always peace on the other side of war; no matter how big or small.

But it begins with you being the bigger person first.